Last Wednesday, something happened during my singing lesson. I'm not quite sure where it started, so I'll just walk through my lesson blow by blow.
Warming up went fine. Cool detail: when I'm stuck and unable to get a flow going, my singing teacher tells me to think forward and up, and things just happen by themselves. It must have been happening for quite some time already, but this is the first time I noticed that I'm consciously able to use AT, and keep using it again and again. And I also notice what I'm capable of voice-wise when things just flow.
My practice piece was something happy by Mendelssohn. This is where things started happening, I think. Some high notes were giving me trouble, and I was told to sing them downwards, so that things could open up a bit more. And to be happy and smile, because that also helps keeping things open and wide.
I tried finding my base, and after a while, I felt this familiar feeling somewhere inside: a big blob working its way up, telling me that, hey I don't want to smile, because I don't feel that happy really, and I don't really feel the need to break down in the middle of a singing lesson, I'll just keep this in here if you don't mind thanks very much it's none of your business anyway. But, of course, things don't work this way. The blob got stuck somewhere in my throat, I couldn't even swallow, let alone sing, because it hurt so much.
This is the first time outside AT that this has happened, and its impact was much bigger than what I've experienced during AT. I guess that, when it comes to my voice, I have much more that I need to let go. It's trying to tell me something, and has done now in such a pervasive way that I cannot ignore it any longer. So, there I go again, on my way to acknowledge the blob, allow it to surface and listen to what it has to say.
Whoever said that 30 lessons will do the trick, hasn't got a clue :-)
Blob
January 27, 2006Observations
January 19, 2006
I guess that every AT student has sometimes wondered whether things have changed. I do, because change is so gradual that you hardly notice it. This week, though, I got a really nice answer to this question.
I'm currently taking a course in cognitive aspects of technical communication, to deepen the theoretical background of my job. This friday, I have an oral exam, which consists basically of me talking intelligently about 20 scientific articles. I've got a really nice boss; he sent me on study leave this week, so I'm at home, reading all these articles.
My traditional way of studying is to make written summaries of each text that I read. I tried typing them on the computer, but the learning effect is not that big compared to hand-written summaries. So I bought a new pen, a pad, made a pot of tea, sat down at my kitchen table and wanted to start writing. To my surprise, I just couldn't find a comfortable position, no matter how I kept shifting. And after two hours of writing, my shoulders started to hurt, my neck started to whine and my wrist objected to any more writing. My eyes were dry, because I forgot to blink. And apparently I was squeezing my pen, because it left marks in my finger tips. Misuse all over the place, so to speak.
And the great thing about this, is that it took me only two hours to notice. Why is this good? Because I spent twelve years of my life studying like this without noticing anything at all. Yeah!
I'm currently taking a course in cognitive aspects of technical communication, to deepen the theoretical background of my job. This friday, I have an oral exam, which consists basically of me talking intelligently about 20 scientific articles. I've got a really nice boss; he sent me on study leave this week, so I'm at home, reading all these articles.
My traditional way of studying is to make written summaries of each text that I read. I tried typing them on the computer, but the learning effect is not that big compared to hand-written summaries. So I bought a new pen, a pad, made a pot of tea, sat down at my kitchen table and wanted to start writing. To my surprise, I just couldn't find a comfortable position, no matter how I kept shifting. And after two hours of writing, my shoulders started to hurt, my neck started to whine and my wrist objected to any more writing. My eyes were dry, because I forgot to blink. And apparently I was squeezing my pen, because it left marks in my finger tips. Misuse all over the place, so to speak.
And the great thing about this, is that it took me only two hours to notice. Why is this good? Because I spent twelve years of my life studying like this without noticing anything at all. Yeah!
Grrrmbl...
January 15, 2006
If STAT ever needs a test or exam to assess the progress of Alexander students, I've got a good one for them: surviving your mother's psychological warfare with a smile on your face.
No, forget about the smile, that's for advanced students.
What is it that makes mothers get away with things that we, daughters, wouldn't even accept from a perfect stranger? Like dumping a 1000-kg-canonball-load of their own emotionally unfulfilled needs in our stomachs? Over the phone? It's really f#cking unbelievable that mothers can do this, also from a physics point of view (Captain Kirk, eat your heart out, mothers have beaten you in telekinesis a long, long time ago).
But seriously, some points to remember for the future:
- The logical scientific approach is not going to work here, because this is not a rational problem. Don't try to understand, don't try to explain, it's going to be used against you anyway.
- Openness is good if you are in a safe environment. In an unsafe environment, protection of the self is more important. It's a delicate thing, powerful but also vulnerable. And it's my responsibility to take care of it.
- My memories are my own. Memories are not facts or universal truths, but subjective experiences.
- The world is not going to end if I don't like my mother.
Weird, isn't it, that sometimes the way of expression doesn't match how you feel at all. Humor is currently the only means I have to discuss this issue in public. Good thing is, though, that in private, I'm able to retreat to that little quiet place inside, and listen to the tiny silver stream that springs from there and spirals upwards. And from that point onwards, it's easy: I just grab a pen, a sheet of paper and write, and write, and write.
No, forget about the smile, that's for advanced students.
What is it that makes mothers get away with things that we, daughters, wouldn't even accept from a perfect stranger? Like dumping a 1000-kg-canonball-load of their own emotionally unfulfilled needs in our stomachs? Over the phone? It's really f#cking unbelievable that mothers can do this, also from a physics point of view (Captain Kirk, eat your heart out, mothers have beaten you in telekinesis a long, long time ago).
But seriously, some points to remember for the future:
- The logical scientific approach is not going to work here, because this is not a rational problem. Don't try to understand, don't try to explain, it's going to be used against you anyway.
- Openness is good if you are in a safe environment. In an unsafe environment, protection of the self is more important. It's a delicate thing, powerful but also vulnerable. And it's my responsibility to take care of it.
- My memories are my own. Memories are not facts or universal truths, but subjective experiences.
- The world is not going to end if I don't like my mother.
Weird, isn't it, that sometimes the way of expression doesn't match how you feel at all. Humor is currently the only means I have to discuss this issue in public. Good thing is, though, that in private, I'm able to retreat to that little quiet place inside, and listen to the tiny silver stream that springs from there and spirals upwards. And from that point onwards, it's easy: I just grab a pen, a sheet of paper and write, and write, and write.
Herbals
January 08, 2006
After some talk with Cypher, lots of deliberation with myself, and finally ending up just listening to my gut feeling, I decided to give the herbals a try and went for a consultation last week. It never stops to amaze me how this works: you sit down, he feels one wrist, then the other, looks at your tongue, checks your eyes, and then usually says something that's so true that it hits you in the stomach- literally. This time, he remarked, among other things, that I have a lot of anger inside that I don't let out. Kabam, jackpot.
In Chinese medicin, this is not just a remark about a state of mind; anger has actual physical consequences, because it leads to an excess of fire in the body, which can cause all kinds of problems, my shoulder probably being one of them. He also noted an excess of water, so I got a bag of dry, cool herbals to restore the balance. If you want to know what dry, cool herbals look like: they include stones. Stones? Yeah, I'm drinking tea made from stones. At times like this, it's handy to have an organic chemist around the house: Cypher noted that it's actually a piece of iron-rich stone, and, as we all know, iron has some very positive effects on your blood. Still, I'm drinking tea made from stones. And red berries, black seeds, pieces of tree bark, leaves and other stuff.
The taste is actually not that bad, once you get used to it: bitter, a bit like coffee that you've left on the stove for a couple of days. I'm supposed to drink three cups a day, and it's funny: about 15 minutes after I've finished one, the 'hotspot' in my hands and feet get quite warm, just like after an AT or Chi Gong lesson. I guess it's too early to notice any changes in my shoulder, but one thing that did change quite soon, is that the cough that has been bothering me for some weeks now, is starting to get less.
In Chinese medicin, this is not just a remark about a state of mind; anger has actual physical consequences, because it leads to an excess of fire in the body, which can cause all kinds of problems, my shoulder probably being one of them. He also noted an excess of water, so I got a bag of dry, cool herbals to restore the balance. If you want to know what dry, cool herbals look like: they include stones. Stones? Yeah, I'm drinking tea made from stones. At times like this, it's handy to have an organic chemist around the house: Cypher noted that it's actually a piece of iron-rich stone, and, as we all know, iron has some very positive effects on your blood. Still, I'm drinking tea made from stones. And red berries, black seeds, pieces of tree bark, leaves and other stuff.
The taste is actually not that bad, once you get used to it: bitter, a bit like coffee that you've left on the stove for a couple of days. I'm supposed to drink three cups a day, and it's funny: about 15 minutes after I've finished one, the 'hotspot' in my hands and feet get quite warm, just like after an AT or Chi Gong lesson. I guess it's too early to notice any changes in my shoulder, but one thing that did change quite soon, is that the cough that has been bothering me for some weeks now, is starting to get less.
Do I jump?
January 03, 2006
The last two weeks have been quite strenuous, emotionally speaking. Lots of things happened in my family, some small miracles, but also some really sad news. I don't know what I hate more: big fights, or the things that don't get said. Hmm, at least it's heading somewhere. Even better, it's heading the direction I want it to go, so that's a change. And I'm not alone, Cypher is more solid than a 16th century oak floor, so that's a comfort too.
What I noticed, is that at times like these, my shoulder starts whining again. It's really whining- not physical pain in one place, but a numb feeling that seems to move around. AT, Chi Gong and a visit to the chiropractor do help a bit in removing the physical stiffness, but the whining stays most of the time.
I know there's one other alternative I could try: Chinese herbals. My Chi Gong teacher is a herbal doctor too, his herbals cured my of a nasty bronchitis once. He knows of my shoulder problem, and says it's caused (as most of the illnesses in our body) by an imbalance in energy and hormones which results in a hindered blood circulation. He also says he can alleviate the problem with herbals, but that it should be my choice to do so. I feel very reluctant to use them, even though I know they can help.
At first, I thought this was because these herbals are quite expensive. But I soon figured that I have enough money for the things I want or need. And, after all, I pay a lot of money for things that will never result in anything. Health insurance being one of them, ironically.
Then I figured it must be the fact that I don't know what the herbals are made up of. It's not like you get a labelled little pot with powder that you should take in fixed dosages. No, you get a plastic carrier bag, filled with exotic things like pieces of wood, berries, leaves and undefined little bits. But this too, is not something I'm bothered about. I mean, what good is a label if it tells you that you are taking nice chemical poisons like, say, Prednison or antibiotics? So, it must be something else.
And I know what it is, of course I do. It's fear and disbelief, the same mixture that I experienced when I started taking Chi Gong lessons. It's the fear that it might work, that these herbals may fix my shoulder problem. Because if that's true, then lots of other things are true too. Like my teacher's other students, some of which shouldn't be walking around on this planet any longer, statistically speaking. But they're still here. Like my teacher's way of diagnosing, which looks ridiculously simple, but is more accurate than that of any other doctor I've met so far. Even like some of the thoughts that sometime just pop up inside of me may not be figments of imagination, but reality.
In that case, I have to drastically adjust my view on things. Yet another leap of faith, once again. So...do I jump?
What I noticed, is that at times like these, my shoulder starts whining again. It's really whining- not physical pain in one place, but a numb feeling that seems to move around. AT, Chi Gong and a visit to the chiropractor do help a bit in removing the physical stiffness, but the whining stays most of the time.
I know there's one other alternative I could try: Chinese herbals. My Chi Gong teacher is a herbal doctor too, his herbals cured my of a nasty bronchitis once. He knows of my shoulder problem, and says it's caused (as most of the illnesses in our body) by an imbalance in energy and hormones which results in a hindered blood circulation. He also says he can alleviate the problem with herbals, but that it should be my choice to do so. I feel very reluctant to use them, even though I know they can help.
At first, I thought this was because these herbals are quite expensive. But I soon figured that I have enough money for the things I want or need. And, after all, I pay a lot of money for things that will never result in anything. Health insurance being one of them, ironically.
Then I figured it must be the fact that I don't know what the herbals are made up of. It's not like you get a labelled little pot with powder that you should take in fixed dosages. No, you get a plastic carrier bag, filled with exotic things like pieces of wood, berries, leaves and undefined little bits. But this too, is not something I'm bothered about. I mean, what good is a label if it tells you that you are taking nice chemical poisons like, say, Prednison or antibiotics? So, it must be something else.
And I know what it is, of course I do. It's fear and disbelief, the same mixture that I experienced when I started taking Chi Gong lessons. It's the fear that it might work, that these herbals may fix my shoulder problem. Because if that's true, then lots of other things are true too. Like my teacher's other students, some of which shouldn't be walking around on this planet any longer, statistically speaking. But they're still here. Like my teacher's way of diagnosing, which looks ridiculously simple, but is more accurate than that of any other doctor I've met so far. Even like some of the thoughts that sometime just pop up inside of me may not be figments of imagination, but reality.
In that case, I have to drastically adjust my view on things. Yet another leap of faith, once again. So...do I jump?